A few weeks ago, I came across the following tweet while reading Grantland's weekly college football roundup:
@DangerGuerrero: Michigan has players named Fitzgerald Toussaint and Blake Countess. They're one DB named Rene Le Serge away from having a crew for a heist.
This witty observation, coupled with my hatred for all things Michigan, got me thinking: Are all college football teams as chock full o' heist-worthy player names as UM is? What about just the Big Ten? I started doing some research, and found a glorious treasure chest of dudes who, based purely on name value, I would follow into an Ocean's 11-style heist without a moment's hesitation. Without further ado, I present your 2013 Big Ten conference All-Heist power rankings.
1. ILLINOIS FIGHTIN' ILLINI
Heist Crew: Man Berg (QB), Fritz Rock (WR), Devin Church (RB), Zane Petty (DB), Nick North (DB)
Honorable Mentions: DeJazz Woods (DL), Houston Bates (DL)
Left at Home: Pat Flavin (OL), Wes Lunt (QB)
Top to bottom, Illinois' roster screams "Heist-worthy". I would pay good money to see a movie about suave criminals starring Jason Statham as "Devin Church" and Dolph Lundgren as "Man Berg". Very few weak spots here. If only their football team could pull off the smooth moves I mentally attribute to their handsome hypothetical counterparts.
2. IOWA HAWKEYES
Heist Crew: Solomon Warfield (DB), Nico Law (DB), Andrew Stone (WR), Boone Myers (OL), Jordan Cotton (WR).
Honorable Mention: Brett van Sloten (OL)
Left at Home: Greg Mabin (DB), Peter Pekar (TE), George Kittle (WR)
If "Solomon Warfield" isn't the name of Terry Crews' next action movie character, I might quit on movies altogether. "Boone Myers" evokes visions of Burt Reynolds, hamming it up as a wily old southern ex-con. "Nico Law" was the role that late-80's Jean-Claude van Damme was destined to play. Another roster full of middling football players blessed with fantastic names. On the other side of the coin, from here on out everyone named Greg is getting left behind. Can't be bringing a Greg with you when you're stealing millions of dollars/jewels/hearts.
3. NORTHWESTERN WILDCATS
Heist Crew: Kain Colter (QB), Dwight White (CB), Christian Salem (QB), Pierre Youngblood (WR), Chance Carter (DL)
Honorable Mentions: Joe Cannon (CB), Brad North (OL), Xavier Menifield ()
Left at Home: Pat Hickey (LS), Chi Chi Ariguzo (LB), Mike Trumpy (RB)
Idris Elba, Robert Downey Jr., and Matthew McConaughey star as "Dwight White", "Kain Colter", and "Chance Carter" in 2013's "WILDCATS: THE MOVIE". The cast would need to be rounded out by a team of suave, preferably foreign-born individuals (Omar Sy as "Pierre Youngblood"?). I once heard Kain Colter referred to as a "Swiss Army Knife" on the field, as he can pass, run, and catch, so his character would have to be a consummate jack-of-all-trades. Chi Chi Ariguzo gets left home for obvious reasons (namely, that name brings to mind Tracy Morgan's character in the 2005 remake of 'The Longest Yard').
4. NEBRASKA CORNHUSKERS
Heist Crew: Vincent Valentine (DT), Chongo Kondolo (OL), King Frazier (RB), Logan Rath (DL), Boaz Joseph (CB)
Honorable Mentions: DJ Singleton (DB), Givens Price (OL), Zaire Anderson (LB)
Left at Home: Thad Randle (DT), Jay Guy (DT), Ron Kellogg III (QB)
Quentin Tarantino would need to direct Nebraska's heist film, as "Vincent Valentine" sounds like the kind of steely, remorseless criminal that QT would create to drive his next sociopathically awesome splatter-fest. Samuel L. Jackson would be the obvious choice to play "King Frazier", the no-nonsense shit-talking wild card hired gun. Djimon Hounsou as "Chongo Kondolo" is a perfect fit. This heist wouldn't be the stealthy quiet kind. With this crew, smash-and-grab shoot-em-up tactics are the only way to go.
5. MICHIGAN STATE SPARTANS
Heist Crew: Taiwan Jones (LB), Blake Treadwell (G), Dan France (OL), Leland Ewing (LS), Damon Knox (DL)
Honorable Mentions: Kodi Kieler (C)
Left at Home: Denzel Drone (DE), Mike Sadler (P)
Hugh Jackman IS "Leland Ewing" in Bryan Singer's 2013 film "SPARTANS", a chromed-out fast-paced hacker movie (that includes at least 3 heavy-handed metaphors about gay acceptance). Matt Damon helps carry the team as "Dan France", a career criminal who struggles with the ethics of his profession in light of the recent birth of his daughter. Breaking from cliched heist movie norms, "Taiwan Jones" is black rather than Asian.
6. OHIO STATE BUCKEYES
Heist Crew: Ezekiel Elliot (RB), Kato Mitchell (WR), Ben St. John (OL), Cardale Jones (QB), Vonn Bell (DB)
Honorable Mentions: Warren Ball (RB), Philly Brown (WR)
Left at Home: Eli Apple (CB), Chris Rock (DL), Kenny Guiton (QB)
Spike Lee directs this ultimately heartwarming tale of five friends who rise from the mean streets of Cleveland to become rich, successful criminals. These modern-day Robin Hoods take down soulless corporate interests in order to give back to the struggling community that birthed them, dishing out street justice to pimps and drug dealers along the way. Will Smith and Wesley Snipes star. This movie, nay, film, wins several Academy Awards.
7. MICHIGAN WOLVERINES
Heist crew: Blake Countess (CB), Fitzgerald Toussaint (RB), Justice Hayes (WR), Taco Charlton (DE), Jack Doyle (LB)
Honorable Mention: Richard Ash (DT)
Left at Home: Jake Butt (TE) (LOL), Jack Wangler (WR) (ROFL), Henry Poggi (DT) (LMAO)
Let's be honest, those top three names are awesome, and Michigan's team was the inspiration for this post. But I'm a huge homer and there's no way I'm putting UM ahead of tOSU in any ranking except "sucking". Plus the squad gets dragged down by potentially the most awful bottom three names in the league. This movie would be a middling, semi-entertaining crime story with an entirely European cast. A doing-this-for-the-paycheck Colin Farrell stars as team leader "Jack Doyle".
8. PURDUE BOILERMAKERS
Heist Crew: DeAngelo Yancey (WR), Jack De Boef (OT), Andy Garcia (LB), Danny Ezechukwu (LB), Armstead Williams (LB)
Honorable Mentions: Ruben Ibarra (LB), Cameron Posey (WR), Sterling Carter (WR)
Left at Home: Greg Latta (DE), Shane Mikesky (WR), Austin Appleby (QB)
Andy Garcia, himself an "Ocean's" movie alum, takes on the role of a lifetime as "Andy Garcia", the leader of an international heist crew boasting smooth criminals from Mexico (himself), the Netherlands (Jack De Boef), Ghana (Danny Ezechukwu), America (Armstead Williams), and England (DeAngelo Yancey). They call themselves "The Boilermakers", a reference to their first clandestine operation as a team. It involved a train heist, and it was awesome. Savvy readers will note that the "Greg Rule" has again been applied here.
9. WISCONSIN BADGERS
Heist Crew: Jazz Peavy (WR), Reggie Love (WR), Jack Russell (K), Darius Hillary (CB), Walker Williams (OL)
Honorable Mentions: Dezmen Southward (S), Jesse Hayes (LB), Robert Wheelwright (WR)
Left at Home: Jeff Duckworth (WR)
An ancient treasure. A fearsome mountain. A hostile tribe protecting their birthright. A man struggling to live up to his family's legacy. Christoper Nolan's "THE BADGERS" tells the story of Darius Hillary, great-grandson of legendary Everest climber Edmund Hillary, and his crew. So named for their striped, furry attire, The Badgers are an experienced team of mountaineers and thieves trying to find their place in the world. Each man is haunted by his own demons, none more so than Hillary, who must make his way to the unknown faces of Everest and find the "treasure hidden within", or die trying. But does his checkered past put the rest of the team at risk? Leo DiCaprio stars.
10. MINNESOTA GOLDEN GOPHERS
Heist Crew: Maxx Williams (TE), Brock Vereen (DB), De'Niro Laster (LB), Martez Shabazz (DB), Gabe Mezzenga (TE)
Honorable Mention: n/a
Left at Home: David Cobb (RB), Tommy Olson (OL)
Affectionately known in the criminal underworld as "Team Scrabble" (based on how many points they would each get for their names, on average), the squad calling themselves The Golden Gophers have big shoes to fill. Each is the son or younger brother of a rich, respected, career criminal; each has serious shortcomings in his criminal toolkit. Can this ultimately lovable, scrappy band of misfits pull together to earn some serious cash, and find themselves along the way? Watch 2013's "GOLDEN GOPHERS" and find out. The Rock stars as "Maxx Williams".
11. INDIANA HOOSIERS
Heist Crew: Nate Boudreau (QB), Danny Friend (TE), Nick Stoner (WR)
Honorable Mention: n/a
Left at Home: Chase Hoobler (LB), Steven Funderburk (LB), Dan Feeney (OL)
Spolier alert: This low-budget Cajun-weed-chic movie will not do well at the box office (or on the football field). Gary Busey 'stars' as "Danny Friend", a Hawaiian shirt-wearing loose cannon trying to make one last big score on the streets of New Orleans. Because Taylor Kitsch has never been in a good movie ever, he plays the role of "Nate Boudreau".
12. PENN STATE NITTANY LIONS
Heist Crew: DJ Crook (QB), Jesse James (TE), Jack Seymour (QB), Christian Hackenberg (QB)
Honorable Mention: Chip Chiapalle (RB)
Left at Home: Gregg Garrity (WR), Garry Gilliam (OT), Gary Wooten (LB), Wendy Laurent (C), Alex Butterworth (P)
Sanctions against the production company prevent this movie from ever being made. The Greg(g) Rule applies to this Nittany Lions squad, which also somehow fields two guys named Gar(r)y on the same 53-man roster. Pretty mind-boggling stuff. They also have a guy named Wendy, and the man who would be their heist crew's leader has a name that sounds like a moniker that a 13-year-old might self-apply. Last place is the obvious spot for PSU here.
